Simple Nonsense
by Stained Blue
Summary: Just a simple little nonsense...
1. Simple Nonsense

Title: Simple Nonsense

A/N: I just wanted to write a little bit of humour. For once, the Judas Priest and Nosferatu, which is a shock. Just a little bit of fun that came to me in class.

Disclaim: I don't own…still!

Enrico looked up at Sir Hellsing. He had to admit that for a simple, Protestant whore she was quite beautiful. Slowly, Integra folded down into the seat across from him.

"Well Maxwell," she asked in an icy tone. He smoothed out his face with a tender smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners. "Please Hellsing, let us just be civil this once, yes?" He lifted his hand, holding the chartreuse flowers across to her. The roses were just a shade darker than her hair. The corners of her mouth curled slightly as if in a smirk.

"Thank you Maxwell and she reached across to take the bouquet from him. Their gloved fingers touched, and he felt colour spot his cheeks as he attempted to laugh it off. The laugh, however, came off a little crazed, and Integra lifted a silver eyebrow in question.

With a cough, he looked down, turning his attention to the smooth china teacup in front of him. Enrico smoothed his fingers along the rough table. "Alright Maxwell, what do you want," Hellsing said with a sigh. He looked up at her. Light reflected off her glasses for a brief second, allowing Enrico to see himself. Self-consciously he smoothed his white blonde hair down from where it was trying to escape the elastic band holding it back.

"Can I not wish to apologize for earlier?" Integra gave him a look, and Enrico took a deep breath. In an effort to summon his courage, he took a sip of the scalding, bitter tea before him. He desperately wished that he could be dealing with an angry Anderson instead of the stony creature in front of him.

His brow furrowed in thought as he rethought what his mind had just wished for. Enrico questioned his sanity as he shook his head to be rid of the thoughts. He glanced up at Integra, who was looking at him as if he were going insane.

"Are you alright Maxwell?" Integra was watching him with wariness in her eyes, as if she expected him to sic Anderson on her yet again or to come across the table and beat her to death with the bouquet of yellow roses.

He grinned, his eyes closing in an overly exaggerated show of happiness, "But of course Sir Hellsing." He opened his eyes, the smile smoothing from his face. "On a serious note, I'd like to offer you a trade."

Integra's silver brows jumped halfway up her forehead, nearly touching her long hair. "And that would be…"

Taking a deep breath, Enrico took a calming sip of tea and replaced the cup on its saucer with trembling fingers. "I would like to know what it is you would wish in return," he stopped, his voice quivering in the air before his mouth. Integra lifted a brow, "…in return for?" He closed his mouth, swallowed hard and rushed out the rest of his sentence just like word vomit. "What will it take for you to go on a date with me, you Protestant sow?!"

Her lips fell apart in shock before curling up in a smirk. "You wish to take me out and yet, you call me a sow?" He blushed hard, feeling the colour heat his face. "It is merely habit; do not let it belie my feelings." He tried to glower at her and found it nearly impossible as she smiled at him in a cheery way.

"Well, that would you be willing to offer me Enrico," she purred softly, leaning on her folded elbows, bent toward him across the table. He tried to think of something that would be an adequate trade but couldn't keep his thoughts from Father Anderson, the loyal Paladin. "Anderson," he growled, his eyes narrowed as he tried to banish the man from his brain.

Hellsing smiled broadly, "You are willing to lend me your treasured monster hunter in return for a date?" Enrico felt his eyes widen, realizing that he had just sentenced his own death, either by Anderson or Sir Hellsing. But Integra stuck out her slender, gloved hand. "I will accept Anderson for five days, and in return give you three dates. Is that satisfactory?"

Enrico grasped her hand softly, curling his fingers about hers. "Of course my dear," he purred, shaking her hand. Integra smiled, "I believe this will be a win-win situation for both Hellsing and Iscariot." They released hands, picked up their thin china cups and touched the lips together in a toasting gesture. "Quite," he stated, smiling so hard it hurt his jaws.


	2. Pure Poppycock

Title: Pure Poppycock

A/N: It's Integra's version of _Simple Nonsense_, told from her point of view. I might actually do one for Alucard and Alexander. Maybe even Walter. How exciting!!! XD

Disclaim: I still don't own.

Integra watched Maxwell sitting at the secluded table on the patio of the small café. He was a remarkable man, she'd give him that. She repressed the flutter of her heart and strode forward, trying to be as imposing as she could.

Maxwell didn't even rise; instead he simply looked up at her when she came to a stop in front of the table. For a brief moment, he looked a little vulnerable. She sat down, more than a little hurt that he hadn't acted like a true gentleman.

"Well Maxwell," she asked, her voice icy. He smiled what seemed a fake smile that crinkled his pale blue eyes at the corners and took age and trouble from his handsome face. "Please Hellsing, let us just be civil this once, yes?" She stared at yet another bouquet of yellow roses that he held out to her, unable to keep the hints at a smile from her face.

She took the flowers begrudgingly and felt their fingers brush through her gloves. Maxwell's face darkened slightly in a blush before laughed it off, sounding just a tad demented. Maxwell coughed and looked away, smoothing the rough tabletop nervously.

"Alright Maxwell, what do you want," she asked softly with a sigh. He glanced up at her, smoothing his gloved hand over the tight top of his ponytail almost self-consciously. She wanted to smile. He reminded her of a young man in love, but instead she continued to sit and wait.

"Can I not just wish to apologize for earlier?" She shot him a look, thinking back over Anderson towering over her, bayonets close to her face, with that sadistic grin on his face and crazed look in his eyes. Maxwell seemed to understand as he sighed heavily, as if deflating and took a sip of his tea.

Maxwell shook his head as if a bee had landed in his ear, and she looked at him warily. "Are you alright Maxwell?" His face split in a grin, his eyes disappearing behind his cheeks in an overly exaggerated way. "But of course Sir Hellsing."

The smile melted from his face as his pale eyes opened. "On a serious note, I'd like to offer you a trade." Her eyebrows jumped up her forehead in surprise as she wondered what he'd be willing to offer and for what. "And that would be…"

Enrico took a deep breath, sipped his tea and replaced his cup before answering. "I would like to know what it is you would wish in return," but his words stopped, as if hanging from his lips. She lifted her eyebrow just a little more, clearly interested. "…in return for?" Maxwell swallowed hard before forcing the rest of the sentence out.

"What will it take for you to go on a date with me, you Protestant sow?!" There was that damnable flutter in her heart again as her mouth gaped in shock before she smiled, covering her surprise and interest with a little jibe. "You wish to take me out and yet, you call me a sow?" Maxwell blushed again, mumbling "It is merely habit; do not let it belie my feelings." He tried hard to glower, but she swept all thought of it away as she smiled, and he smiled back instinctually.

"Well, that would you be willing to offer me Enrico," she asked as she rested her elbows, folded on the table, leaning across toward him. "Anderson," he growled, and she felt shock kick her hard in the chest. The smile crept to her lips, "You are willing to lend me your treasured monster hunter in return for a date?" She allowed the flutter in her heart briefly before squashing the feeling.

Enrico seemed to pale as he realized what he said, but said nothing. Integra stuck out her hand, "I will accept Anderson for five days, and in return give you three dates. Is that satisfactory?" Enrico grasped her hand tenderly, his fingers curling about her own fingers. "Of course my dear," he purred, shaking her hand.

Integra was unable to keep the smile in any longer. Technically, she was winning a rather grand prize. She was getting the most vicious monster hunter that still retained his humanity, the Paladin Alexander Anderson, and she was getting the chance to be wined and dined by a handsome, young Archbishop Enrico Maxwell.

"I believe this will be a win-win situation for both Hellsing and Iscariot," she said softly as they released hands, picked up their thin china cups and touched the lips together in a toasting gesture. "Quite," he stated, smiling broadly.


	3. Save Me Lord

Title: Save Me Lord

A/N: This is Alexander's part!!! (Yay! He's my favourite!) It was really fun to write. XD

Disclaim: I don't own still.

Alexander watched his children run about the yard, laughing and screaming in the way that children do. He smiled softly, swaying gently in the breeze while hiding beneath the shade of the trees. He breathed deep and long, glad to finally have a break from what was his divine mission. He was just glad to get away from the vampire Alucard, who had been getting a little touchier in recent battles. Alexander really didn't know what to do about it.

He glanced out toward the city of Rome, where it laid just a long walk from the orphanage. He could see the great cathedral rising up from the center, indicating the Vatican. Out in the distance, where the little dirt road came into view over a hill, Alexander made out a figure in black.

Heaving a great sigh, he called out to his children, "All right little ones, time ta goo in." Instantly the children rushed to do as he said, their little feet rising dust in their haste to get into the church. He turned on his heel, made his way to the gate of the yard and waited for the priest to make it to him.

"Aye, what it is," he asked with a mild irritation to his tone. The priest bent at the waist and panted softly before righting and looking up to make eye contact with the much taller Alexander. "Father, the Archbishop requests your presence."

With a heaved sigh, Alexander rolled his eyes. "Ah course he does. But ya coulda called boyo." The priest panted softly, smiling through the heaving breaths. "I did sir. You didn't answer the phone." Alexander's lips curled up in an almost smile as he recalled having heard the phone ring and then ignoring the shrill sound. _He_ hadn't wanted the damned thing. Enrico had insisted upon it.

"Oh, sorry boyo. Would ya like a ride back, since I'm headin' that way?" The young priest smiled vibrantly. "That would be much appreciated Father Anderson." Alexander smiled and went to retrieve the car after telling Father Reynolds that he was going out and to watch the children.

He drove the black sedan around and waited for the other priest to get in. All the way to the Vatican, he chatted happily with the boyo, though mostly because the lad was clutched up in his seat as if holding on for dear life. Concerned, Alexander glanced at the speedometer and was relieved he was only going twenty miles over the speed limit. The boy was acting like it was much more.

The sedan squealed to a stop, and the boy pretty much poured out of the car. Alexander stepped out, gazing about Rome before traveling into the church. The great edifice was beautiful on the inside, as most Catholic churches were, and cherubs, angels and saints watched him from the walls.

He didn't bother knocking on Enrico's closed door, uncaring if the Archbishop was holding a conference or not because _Maxwell_ had requested _his_ presence. Alexander pushed the heavy, ancient doors open and stepped into the office with heavy footsteps, proclaiming his presence.

Maxwell glanced up at him from where the Archbishop sat behind the massive expanse of a desk. There was a guilty look in the lad's eyes, and Alexander felt his shoulders square. Slowly, Hellsing unfolded from the chair and turned to stare at him. The Protestant witch was smiling at him. He felt his own lips curl up in a snarl as he glanced about for the damnable pet vampire she had.

"Ah, Father Anderson," Hellsing said, but Alexander ignored her and strode toward Enrico. The young man slumped in his chair, looking much like he always had when he gotten in trouble as a little lad. "Wha have ya done sir?" Enrico looked away, "You're services have been loaned to the Hellsing Organization for the next five days Alexander." Those pale blue eyes lifted and dared Alexander to defy Enrico.

Alexander felt his mouth fall open in shock. "YA SOLD ME SOUL TO THIS PROTESTANT BITCH?!?!?" Enrico cringed at Alexander's bellowed words, but sat up in the large chair. "Yes Alexander I did." Alexander bared his teeth at Enrico and felt the need to say something, instead he turned toward the Hellsing bitch.

Hellsing smiled at him in a soft way, almost as if she meant it. "Well now _sir_, what shall you 'ave do?" The blonde reached out, her little hand resting on his forearm briefly. "I'm sure we'll think of something _Alexander_." He cringed back said nothing.

He didn't wait for his "master" but instead stormed out of the office, church and to the helicopter with the Hellsing crest. Moments passed and Hellsing joined him on the helipad. "Paladin, I must admit that I expected you to put up more of a fight." He stared at her before pulling the helicopter door open for her. "Well sir, ya see, the lad's always been ah bit moronic." Hellsing stepped past him, into the metal bird while sniggering softly.

The blades began chopping in a slow turn, and Alexander followed his temporary master into the metal frame of the helicopter.


	4. Thank You Jesus

Title: Thank You Jesus

A/N: Alucard's part. I wrote him like a pervert because I thought it'd be funny. Plus I wanted him to be kinda the total opposite of Alexander.

Alucard felt like a dog as he sulked in the shadows, waiting for his master to come home. Stupidly, the Hellsing girl had trailed off to meet Maxwell without any backup, despite him telling her not to. He heaved a heavy sigh and settled back against a shadow, watching the door.

The old door swung open and Sir Integra stepped in, he jumped to his feet and stalked out of the wall. "I see you got back in one piece," he sneered. Integra smiled at him and moved into the light, one of her hands clutching a bouquet of yellow roses. His right eye twitched.

He opened his mouth to snarl out some choice words about the Vatican's Archbishop, and probably some about its pet monster as well, but a massive shadow rose in the doorframe. He turned his gaze and felt his breath get hung up in his throat as the frail light touched rounded glass lenses. His lips curled away from his teeth in a lewd grin as the Judas Priest stepped into the room, his dark form seemingly sucking away some of the light.

"Oh. So you brought home another beast. Why can't you just be happy with me Sir Integra?" He prowled closer to the paladin, who was growling low in his chest. Anderson's mouth opened to insult him back, but Integra cut in. "Alucard, stop it. Take Father Anderson to the empty suite of rooms in the South Wing." Alucard smiled and drew up, nearly touching the priest. Anderson lowered his head, his teeth gritted together before Alucard beckoned before himself.

"Come along pet, we've got to welcome you home." Integra shot him an icy look, "Enrico has entrusted the good paladin in my care. You're not to hurt him Alucard." He gave her an innocent look, as innocent as his dark soul would allow. She glowered at him, "I mean it, or I'll lock you in the basement until you dry up and wither away."

Alucard deflated but strode away from the priest, confident that Anderson would follow him. Silent moments passed until heavy footsteps echoed, chasing after him in an unhurried stroll. Alucard stepped into the shadows, watching as the paladin continued on before stopping beside him. "Come along ya heathen, I'd like ta lay down."

Growling low in his throat, Alucard slunk out and pushed past the paladin before stalking to the end of the hallway and throwing open a set of doors violently. Anderson brushed past him and into the room, slowly removing his cassock and rubbing his hand over his short hair.

His gaze tugged down over the priest's frame, wrought with strong muscles hidden by easily removed cloth. Alucard smiled predatorily at the priest, slinking closer and settling on the bed. Anderson glowered at him from behind his rounded glasses. "Ya filth. Get offa me bed!" Alucard smiled, laying down on the perfect covers, his arms flung wide and his hair puddle about him. "You could always join me, Judas Priest." Anderson's eyes narrowed, his lips curling up in snarl.

With a gleeful laugh, Alucard let his long, sharp tongue loll out of his mouth, draped over sharp teeth. "So that's a no, is it?" Anderson let out a roar and easily speared Alucard repeatedly with blessed bayonets that appeared from nowhere. Alucard seeped down into the mattress, through the padding and puddled on the floor. The sharp tips of the blades peered down at him before being violently wrenched from the box-spring.

Alucard melted into the floor and resurfaced as Anderson was stripping off his shirt. He slipped from the wall, leaning his cheek against the cool paint. "I rather like that look on you," he purred. Anderson snapped around, his arms crossing over his bare chest. The colour that spotted Anderson's dark cheeks was quite fetching and adorable. "GET OUT YA BLOODY HEATHEN!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The priest threw a lamp at him, the glass shattering in his face and cutting his skin. His blood oozed sluggishly from the rapidly healing wounds. "I like the fight in you Judas Priest. It is quite becoming." Anderson's brow furrowed as his lips pulled back from his strong teeth.

"GET TEH BLOODY FUCK OUTTA MY ROOM YA GODDAMNED BEAST!" Alucard laughed softly before sinking into the wall. He watched the priest pace about the room before lying down on the bed still halfway dressed. With a sigh at the priest's paranoia, though not unfounded in its reason, Alucard slunk back through the shadows to Sir Integra's office.

"Must you torment him so," Integra asked, not even looking up from her book. He settled into the chair across from his master. "Must you string Maxwell about so?" The young Hellsing blushed lightly, her lips set in a tight, white line. He sat up, intrigued. "You're not stringing him about are you?" Integra glowered up at him from behind the reflective surfaces of her glasses. "Do you chase the paladin because of the chase and fight, or the simple fact that it feels like it's just the two of you in this whole, entire world?" Alucard glowered at his master, got to his feet and left the office; the door slammed heavily behind him.


	5. Bickering Children

Title: Bickering Children

A/N: Walter's side of the story. Almost done!!! XD

Disclaim: I don't own still!

He glanced over as more screaming came up from where Alucard was harassing the priest. Anderson was bellowing at the vampire in his heavy accent. Walter sighed heavily, shaking his head. He watched Anderson pull out a set of bayonets, spearing Alucard to the wall by the vampire's hands before stabbing the No Life King in the forehead and stomping off.

"Mister Anderson," he called out. Anderson's shoulders hunched, and the priest slowly crept over to him. "Wha," Anderson growled, the agitation apparent at Walter's lack of title use. Walter smiled a tight-lipped smile. "I don't care if you attack Alucard, but please don't be putting holes in my walls." Anderson's eyes narrowed before he stalked away.

Alucard seeped out from under the blessed blades and appeared beside him. After so many years of having to deal with the vampire for so long, since 1944, he was used to it. "One day, Sir Alucard, you are going to bring the wrath of God upon our heads." That red gaze flickered to his, "You don't believe that the Catholics are divine."

Walter sighed, "No. But their paladin appears to be close. He means it. You shouldn't taunt him so, sir." He turned on his heel and strode away slowly.

The bloody priest had only been there for two and a half days, and already he had upset the delicate household balance. Not to mention the fact that Sir Integra was always sneaking off to meet with the Archbishop. So he was pretty much left to keep the household in check from two fighting monsters and a simpering vampire.

"I need a drink," he grumbled under his breath and slipped into the study. He filled a tumbler with a finger of scotch malt and swallowed the slug down. He sighed and slumped down into the chair.

In the next room, he could hear the children bickering again. The paladin's rough voice came sharp through the thick walls, "YA BLOODY BEAST!! DONAE TOUCH ME!" Walter sighed. There was the sound of something shattering and Alucard speaking in a low voice to the priest as if to a startled animal, "Come now pet, it was just a simple pinch." Walter rummaged through the desk drawers for the bottle of aspirin hidden somewhere.

"IT WAS ON ME ARSE!" Walter sighed, trying to rationalize that the two monsters were simply being childish and that nothing too bad would happen if he didn't check on them. He downed seven of the little white pills and tipped his head back, staring up at the ceiling. "GET BACK YA DAMNED HEATHEN" the paladin bellowed, and Walter listened to those damn holy blades settling into his walls.

Slowly, he got to his feet and stormed from the study. Walter shoved the door open to the next room and stared hard at the two monsters. Alucard had his gun out, Joshua pointed squarely in the paladin's chest with the priest pinned to the wall. Anderson had two blades stuck through Alucard's face and neck.

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!?!" Alucard stepped back from the priest immediately, pulling the bayonets from his face. "Nothing Walter. What are you doing?" Anderson pushed away from the wall, his cassock falling open to reveal a rumpled shirt. The paladin glowered at Alucard, his face flushed softly. Anderson turned to the vampire, his mouth falling open in a vicious yell, "YA ARE SUCH AH BLOODY BEAST! DONAE YA EVER PUT YA FOUL HANDS ON ME AGAIN!" A bayonet sailed across the room and slipped hard into Alucard's forehead with a solid _thunk_.

Anderson spun on his heel and stalked from the room, Alucard right on his coat hem, leaving Walter alone in the damaged room. He could hear the pair traversing down the long hallway in the direction of Anderson's room, with the priest bellowing at the vampire to "get teh bloody hell away" and Alucard vehemently refusing.

Walter slowly rubbed his eyes, trying to will away the ache that was settling there in the fluid behind his eyes. He tried to drown out the bickering, the sounds of gunshots and screams of scripture. He seriously thought about calling Sir Integra back in from her date, if for nothing but to rein her pet monsters in, as they were far beyond his control.

Down in the belly of the mansion, Anderson and Alucard screamed and fought like a pair of small children over a favourite toy, though with his children Walter was more than aware of the fact that he'd most likely being digging bullets and pulling knives from walls and mopping up blood. He sighed. Such were the toils of being a manservant.


	6. The Talk

Title: The Talk

A/N: Okay, so this is it. Last one!! This one is rather short, but I don't really like Seras, but it was rather fun to as a break from all my serious stories. Also, didn't want to give The Talk.

Disclaim: I really don't own.

Seras sat the table with Walter. Sir Hellsing was missing, off on another date Seras supposed, but so was her master and the fanatic priest. She listened to the hands of the clock tick past and stared down at the mismatched china. In the days after Anderson had joined them at Hellsing, many of the dishes had been broken. Walter said it was because Alucard was too amorous, whatever that meant.

The silence droned on until Walter slammed his hands down upon the tabletop. "Where the bloody hell are those two children," he growled. His dark eyes turned to her, and she sat up. "Miss Victoria, please retrieve Sir Alucard and the pet paladin." She jumped up.

"Yes sir," she stated as she saluted him and turned toward the door.

She ran down the hallway, her boots thumping lightly on the wooden floors. There was no point in going down into the basement as her master would be disturbing the Judas Priest. In the days following the priest's arrival, her master had been nicer than usual, so Seras didn't really see the harm in the older vampire following the paladin about. She stopped at the priest's door.

The heavy door was closed, and she stared at it with a confused look. Normally, the door was wide open because Anderson was just a little bit paranoid. Seras leaned closer, trying to pick up any sounds within the sealed room.

There were none that she could hear, which of course didn't really mean much because she just a little slow in coming into her full powers.

With a little grin, she turned the door knob and pushed the ancient wood in. "MAST—uh…" She pulled up quickly, the smile slipping off her face as she looked at the pair.

Anderson was pinned to the wall, his head turned and lips curled in disgust and his shirt open and gaping about his broad chest. His hands were held over his head by the vampire. Her master pulled back from the paladin's neck, bending his head back to stare at her upside down. The mark on Anderson's neck was already healing, dulling from vibrant red to tan.

Alucard glowered at her, his brilliant red eyes narrowing. "What is it Police Girl?" She watched as the paladin tried to slip from her master's grip, but the older vampire simply pinned the priest to the wall using Alucard's body as well as hands. "Uh, uh, uh…" she stammered, trying to think of what to say.

"Well? I haven't got all night," her master snapped out at her, and her words ran from her mouth. "WALTER SAYS IT'S TIME TO EAT" she screamed before covering her mouth self-consciously.

The vampire looked back at the priest, who was still fighting to be free. "Yes it is," Alucard purred softly, earning himself as look from the paladin and causing Seras to blush at the heady, not-so-subtle insinuations. The No Life King's head swiveled about to stare at her once more. "Tell Walter that we're busy."

She blushed hard, one of her eyes twitching. "Ye-yes my master!" Quickly, she turned on her heel and ran from the room, hearing one of her master's shadows shut the door. She nearly felt bad for the paladin, having left him to his fate.

Slightly out of breath, Seras sat back down at the table and smiled cheekily at Walter, who raised an eyebrow at her. "Well…" She glanced back up at him, fiddling with her napkin. "Well what sir?"

Walter sighed. "Are they coming or not, Miss Victoria?" She blushed again, "Uh…well…master says they are busy." Walter's eye twitched as well before the manservant closed his eyes, pressing his gloved fingertips against his temples.

"Oh dear lord, save us," he whispered. She wondered how he was going to explain it all to Sir Integra: the mismatched dishes, the bullet holes and knife wounds in the walls, the blood on the ceiling that wouldn't come out.

Or more importantly, how was Walter going to explain the new turn of events to herself. "Uh…Walter?" The ex-Hellsing agent looked up, "Hmm?" She fiddled with her napkin again. "What….what did master mean by 'we're busy'?" Walter's mouth fell open in a gape as a tiny blush coloured his cheeks. He coughed, "Well…uh…Miss Victoria. You see…"


End file.
